Deciding our children's fate, time and time again.

 I want to write about all of the aspects of this historic time because in a year, twenty years, who knows how I will remember it. My kids might think it was amazing having so much time together, drinking hot chocolate and endless pajama days. Today I wanted to highlight a very challenging aspect of this time period, deciding on their schooling. 

Since March 13, 2020 I've lost track of how many times we've had to decide on our children's schooling. I would guess it's been 4 or 5 at this point. Just this week, we needed to decide for the rest of the school year (February 1 - June 18). This virus has certainly taught us, the future is unknown. How can we possibly know what things will look like in 4 months, and how my perspective may change? Of course the schools need to plan, and we can't keep flip-flopping. 

In the Spring we did not have any choices. School was closed for 2 weeks, then one month, then most shockingly, for the rest of the school year. Classmates never got to say goodbye. Teachers had to go back months later to pack up their classrooms by themselves, and make bags of the children's school supplies that sat untouched. It must have felt like a horrible tragedy had occurred. The lack of closure, of ceremony, of goodbye hugs, and cards. 

The start of the school year, everyone was virtual, then we had to decide about the rest of the semester, and now again for the rest of the school year. There's no obvious choice. We have kept Sadie home the whole time, she is quite perky and I don't worry about her academics at all. She makes an effort to connect with others on Facebook Messenger, and good grief every little break she has she wants to check in with all of us! Hudson on the other hand, says he loves being home, but I knew he would do better in person, his teachers need to meet him, he needs to be around other tweens. For the love of Jesus, please let someone else absorb the endless fart jokes for a few hours. He went in for 3 weeks (6 days total) before schools needed to close again in November.  

Now here we are again, at the HEIGHT of the outbreak, hospitals are filling up, there's a new, more contagious strain, vaccines are not widespread yet, and my county announced that elementary schools will open up on February 1, with less restrictions than before. 5 days a week rather than 2, and 3 ft apart rather than 6.  Example #3,004 that the world just does not make sense to me. They said they are ignoring their previously set forth health matrix because COVID doesn't spread as much in schools. The infection rate is currently DOUBLE what they had established as the benchmark for shutting down schools. 

Even with this compounding evidence in the back of my mind I think, "Could it be safe?" "Am I being overly cautious? Am I making the right decision? Should I send them? Could they be right about it not spreading?" 

                              

This time around though, I feel confident that this pandemic will not turn around on it's own. I have zero faith that the numbers will go down until the summer or so when the general public is able to be fully vaccinated. People have proven that they will take the leeway made available to them, and if they can get together with others they will. If it weren't illegal to enter a store without a mask, they wouldn't. I've accepted that some are going to follow the recommendations and some are not. This has been a powerful lesson for my children too. When we go out (which is limited to the library and grocery store), they will comment when they see people not wearing masks. We talk about how yes we're choosing to wear a mask, and they are choosing not to, let's go down this aisle instead. We talk about how there will always be people making different decisions than us. We may think we're right and they're wrong, but they probably think the same of us. All we can do is show compassion and understanding while doing everything we can to keep ourselves safe. 

I know this is a historic time, you can't go a day without hearing it. I look at my sweet children keep going with what will keep them the most safe. I want to look back on this time and perhaps think I was overly cautious. I can't live with feeling that I may look back with regret. With feeling like I didn't do enough to protect them. We are taking risks every time we let them play outside masked, every time they go to karate, the library, the store with me, every time we have a masked family visit. These are still risks. There have been times I've regretted things we've done and all we can do is tell ourselves we'll do better next time. 

I know I am fortunate to have the choice. Some counties do not offer a choice, and some families may not feel like they have a choice due to work demands or high risk family members. Choices and freedom also come with the burden of making that choice confidently and feeling like you can defend it to the world. It can be very sensitive sharing the choice with others as they may not agree, creating more of a sense of isolation. While we're 'all in this together' it also feels like it's every family for themselves trying to mitigate risks and stay sane. Let's show each other kindness and understanding in whatever way you are out there surviving. <3