Self-Care Like a Man

 Self-care has felt like such a buzzy, catch phrase term that is thrown around all the time. I sort of listened before, but over the last 8 months and counting, I have been acutely aware of my need for self-care, and my lack thereof. 

Prior to COVID, my self-care was pretty easy to come by; HOURS alone everyday in the house, car, between appointments, sometimes hours in the early morning while the family slept on, occasional outings with friends. Since COVID started the family is always together, and there's no place for me to go. My work dried up, I didn't have a reason to go out, and any trip to a store needed to be justified given the extra risks. It was me and the kids ALL.DAY.LONG. Yes there are plenty of sweet moments together, but the days are long, and day after day, week after week, month after month, I felt like I was crumbling away....

Yet my husband was home the whole time too, working 50+ hours per week, and he somehow ALWAYS got his (home) gym time, time to walk outside while talking to friends, epsom salt baths, and daily meditation. WTF? How am I home all of the time, NOT working and I can't fit these things in?

This is like Ted when he's mediated and doing his own thing, oblivious to the world around him! 

Then I realized something, men don't have any guilt about taking this time. Men don't see the needs around them, or maybe they do and they put themselves first anyway. Men are able to focus on one thing at a time, work or themselves. My limited bubble has shown me it's not just my husband. We tend to resent them for it, or are we just jealous? What if we unapologetically made our time a priority, and held it as sacred? What if we declared, 2 or 3 nights a week, where we're not going to do any chores, and we're going to do something frivolous like paint nails while watching Netflix? What if we made a schedule and held our partners to cooking, cleaning, kid care so we can have some time alone? We're going to have to push for it, and hold them accountable, but how different would our world feel if Moms got this time too? Moms are always burned out, and keeper of 100 lists at a time, and that has never been more true than it is right now. We support our men in their needs, is it going both ways? 

I got tired of reaching the breaking point before I asked for help, I still have to ask for help but we're getting better at this. I say what I need and the family has all become well aware when the warning flags are going up. 

Can you relate? 

Every home and family's situation is going to look different but here are some actionable steps to get your self care on track! 

1. Make a list of things that fill your cup, what really makes you feel good. For me, they are as unimpressive as taking a shower, calling a friend, walking outside, tidying a room. Put this list somewhere you can see it and look at it throughout the day, I shoot for three a day, but set a goal for yourself. 

2. Have an accountability buddy or write it in your journal every night. If you know you are going to be held accountable (even to yourself) and need to report out, you will be more likely to stick to it. 

3. Talk to the people in your house about needs, and personal time, this is important for everyone, and we're all in each other's space now. This of course is going to vary depending on the people and ages in the house but now Ted makes dinner two nights a week which we plan out, and he does the dishes the other nights (this is new!), we take turns on the treadmill and he knows I deserve the time just as much as he does. The kids understand when I need a break and are working on respecting it. 

4. Keep trying! You might not make your goals every day, but tomorrow is a new day to try again and I promise YOU are worth it! <3