Note: When I dusted off my blog a few months ago I discovered 26 draft entries! 26! This is one from 2015 that I didn't publish. I'll update where necessary, but this is still very much true!
I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, especially in terms of what it's like to be a parent right now. When I think about "What did my parents do?" There are many important differences in parenting today. Care to take a walk with me?
Communication with Schools
1989: You received notices in the form of a phone call at home OR at work, anywhere else and you can't be reached. Events were publicized by phone (an actual person calling) or a flyer home. Or a parent would go to the PTA meeting to be in the loop. If someone needed your help, they called, or sent a note home. If I as a parent had a complaint or concern, I had to either call or send a hand-written note.
2015: There are notices coming from all directions; Emails from the teacher and room parents with updates on the classroom and things that are coming up. Sign Up Genius Notifications eliciting volunteerism, donations, and participation coming from the PTA, Teachers, and Room Parents. Automated phone calls coming from the County and the school. There are phone calls from the School Nurse which you receive on your cell phone, naturally wherever you are, whatever you're doing. There is a classroom Blog to follow, there's a school Facebook page, there's a Facebook group for all of the parents in your child's grade at the school (approximately 150 students). There's logging online to pay for field trips, lunches, and required homework on specific websites.
With all of these avenues, and less direct (and supervised) communication, there's a lot of negativity, there's guilt and shame. My kid is only in first grade and it still feels hard to keep up.
I wish we could go back to 1989
If someone had a question or complaint they would ask the teacher, and not open it up to the Facebook boards. If someone needed help, they would make a personal call and get a connection, or send something home. Parents would come together at PTA meetings to find out what's going on instead of testing the climate over the websites. Keeping up involved simply checking my kid's backpack, our actual mailbox and the answering machine (if we had one). Instead I need to check all of those, PLUS my email, cell phone voicemail, Facebook boards, and Blog to make sure everything is covered.
Party planning
1989: In order to get ideas for a birthday party you might go to the library, pick up a few magazines, ask friends what they did, or come up with something on our own.
2015: You can get ideas from the Godly Google, Pintrest, Facebook, or posting the question on Facebook and hear/see how elaborate birthday parties have become and then either feel badly that you can not attain that, or feel badly that you don't want to, or feel badly that people are going to trash-talk your party because it didn't look anything like any of these other parties. I'm sure in 1989 some parent's had to outdo each other, BUT the important difference is, they couldn't get as much mileage. Trash talk and gossiping spread much slower, and you probably would stop hanging out with that person much sooner, or mean-spirited people reigned in their ugliness since it was mostly conveyed in-person or over the phone when they actually had to experience the person's reaction in real time. A friend defending another friend, or a gasp or just lack of a response may quiet an ugly thought.
2019: What I've learned with a few more parties under my belt, while my kids love any and all parties, all they really need is to be with friends. The last few years we've kept it simple with a family party and the kids pick either an experience or having some friends over for a sleepover. It's meaningful for them, they have fun, and I don't have to go crazy with prep and planning. WIN!
While on the party subject, let's take a moment with RSVPs
1989: You RSVP via phone, card, or in-person. "Maybe" was not an option. You let the host know so they can plan accordingly, or you stop being invited because you are rude.
2015: IF you RSVP you do it over Evite, Email, Facebook timeline, Facebook private message, call, text. There are so many ways to let someone know yet so few people take the time to RSVP at all!! This is aggravating and just plain rude. I think people wait until the last possible moment to see if anything more appealing comes up. This is rude. or people can't go and don't want to tell you. This is rude, there's no one that can't handle a decline, just decline, the hostess is going to figure out you're not coming when she has to follow up with you, or when she plans on you coming and you don't come. Or there's people that say they are coming and then don't show up. This is rude. With so many ways to get in touch with someone, do whatever you can to let the hostess know you can't make it. There are tons of variables that prevent making every event you are invited to, everyone gets that, but just take the 30 seconds to let the hostess know yea or nay. I feel like the trend of not RSVPing has gotten so bad that it discourages me from wanting to plan anything, even with close friends.
2019: This is still true, and I wish Facebook and Evite would remove the "maybe" option all together. Sigh. Recently, I've taken to inviting a much smaller group and doing so over text message, so I can easily follow up. I don't know if some don't respond to invites because they wait to see who else will come (which is also rude in my opinion) but inviting over text removes variable too!
Extra curricula
1989: After school activities such as Cub Scouts, Soccer, Youth choir, were considered a nice add-on to traditional schooling, a good way to round out the students' skills and pursue interests.
2015: Today, it seems parents try to one-up each other with how busy they are and how many events their child is engaged in. It starts way before school too! 2 year olds can be in swim, dance, or music classes. These activities are costly, time consuming, and typically keep kids up past their bedtime where lack of sleep is a national epidemic among children.
2019: I no-longer feel pressure to have my kids participate in a ton of events, I think full-day school and preschool are enough. Hudson is doing Karate twice a week, and there is sometimes before or afterschool enrichment that Hudson participates in if he wants too. In our previous school there were 3 times where he signed up for an art program that did not get enough participates. Fortunately, his new school a similar program, and it starts on Monday. (Bonus: this means I get an extra hour in my week!) Sadie has actually never done an extra activity with the exception of swim team last summer. I don't feel like she's missing anything, she's already in full-time pre-k which to me is enough structure, rigor, enrichment and socialization for a 5 year old. We parents certainly don't miss something extra on our plate!
Parental Support
1989: Parents would get together and chat, they probably found other people were experiencing some of the same frustrations and struggles. There were specific support groups and books but in general, parents needed to make connections to get support such as by attending these groups or going to the library or book store.
2015: Today, parents are constantly googling and comparing themselves to fellow parents on blogs or Facebook. Naturally everyone only puts their best foot/parenting on Facebook, leaving the searcher feeling worse about what she or he might be struggling with like a defiant toddler, an older bed-wetter, an absentee husband. You may find help by Googling, but generally connections are not made.
2019: Add to this Instagram and YouTube. I still prefer to text and call friends directly, even if they are posting often on these social media sites. They only tell part of the story. I find that those that post the most often about their "perfect" life are often the ones that are struggling the most, and need the most validation and reassurance. I find I need to check myself when I'm seeking attention, when I am chronically checking if I got any "Likes" or comments, why do I need this?! What void am I trying to fill right now?
Screen time
1989: Parents and kids alike were limited to what was on TV that night, or what they recorded on the VHS tape earlier in the day. Your favorite show probably only came on once a day, so after it was over, you got up and did something else. Maybe you rented a movie from the video store but it was generally too expensive to become a daily habit. You had to watch commercials so eventually you probably got up and did something else. There was no black hole that is the World Wide Web, no endless scrolling, no email to check, no smart phone apps. Has that sunk in yet? In the evenings, MAYBE you brought work home, but even that was limited just how much could you do with a Desktop computer without Internet? Just how long could you sit in front of the screen? Just how many exes could you stalk? Exactly none! You might call a friend or family member, you might write a letter, you might read a book or magazine. You might just get the dishes done and get in bed.
2015: Screens everywhere lure us in, hundreds of channels, endless DVR and streaming options, Redbox available anytime if what you're dying to see is not available on Streaming. The internet alone could suck you in for hours especially apps like Facebook, Instagram, or newsites that are all vying for your eye-time. It's almost impossible to not get sucked in. The result, we are more pressed to get our dishes and other chores done, let alone exercise or getting a good night's sleep.
This past week I did parent like it was 1989. Ted was away the entire week, and I was most concerned about my patience with the kids. My goal was to feed the kids, get them in bed, do the dishes and get in bed myself. I got up early to get myself ready before they got up so I'd be calm and cool, and a cup of coffee in, before they got up and I needed to get them fed, and out the door. Let me tell you, it was amazing. I was calm, patient, I didn't stress about what should get done on the internet. I just focused on us, and our little world. Is this what it was like back then? sigh. I know there's no going back, but we can try to slow down.
2019: There is loads of compounding research on how screen time is affecting our children's brains. Loads of research that says it is not good. I absolutely see how they become little fiends for any screen they can get their hands on, and it pains me inside. It pains me when I can't resist, when I start scrolling, when I get frustrated with them because I am trying to do something on a screen, and they are just being normal, healthy children, trying to get their mom's attention. I try hard (almost) every day to both resist the urge myself, and to restrict their access. AND IT IS HARD! Hudson, like his dad, can spend all day on a screen. It is hard because they want it so badly and it is right there an available. It is hard because they can have it and the only thing standing in the way is ME, Mean Mommy. It is hard because Damn it is quiet and calm when they are on screens, and boy do I love quiet. It is hard because it's hard to say no to your kids all.the.time.
There's no going back, but maybe we can take some lessons from the past, and focus on being more present with everyone; friends, kids, spouse, teachers, family, etc. XO
I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, especially in terms of what it's like to be a parent right now. When I think about "What did my parents do?" There are many important differences in parenting today. Care to take a walk with me?
Communication with Schools
1989: You received notices in the form of a phone call at home OR at work, anywhere else and you can't be reached. Events were publicized by phone (an actual person calling) or a flyer home. Or a parent would go to the PTA meeting to be in the loop. If someone needed your help, they called, or sent a note home. If I as a parent had a complaint or concern, I had to either call or send a hand-written note.
2015: There are notices coming from all directions; Emails from the teacher and room parents with updates on the classroom and things that are coming up. Sign Up Genius Notifications eliciting volunteerism, donations, and participation coming from the PTA, Teachers, and Room Parents. Automated phone calls coming from the County and the school. There are phone calls from the School Nurse which you receive on your cell phone, naturally wherever you are, whatever you're doing. There is a classroom Blog to follow, there's a school Facebook page, there's a Facebook group for all of the parents in your child's grade at the school (approximately 150 students). There's logging online to pay for field trips, lunches, and required homework on specific websites.
With all of these avenues, and less direct (and supervised) communication, there's a lot of negativity, there's guilt and shame. My kid is only in first grade and it still feels hard to keep up.
I wish we could go back to 1989
If someone had a question or complaint they would ask the teacher, and not open it up to the Facebook boards. If someone needed help, they would make a personal call and get a connection, or send something home. Parents would come together at PTA meetings to find out what's going on instead of testing the climate over the websites. Keeping up involved simply checking my kid's backpack, our actual mailbox and the answering machine (if we had one). Instead I need to check all of those, PLUS my email, cell phone voicemail, Facebook boards, and Blog to make sure everything is covered.
Party planning
1989: In order to get ideas for a birthday party you might go to the library, pick up a few magazines, ask friends what they did, or come up with something on our own.
2015: You can get ideas from the Godly Google, Pintrest, Facebook, or posting the question on Facebook and hear/see how elaborate birthday parties have become and then either feel badly that you can not attain that, or feel badly that you don't want to, or feel badly that people are going to trash-talk your party because it didn't look anything like any of these other parties. I'm sure in 1989 some parent's had to outdo each other, BUT the important difference is, they couldn't get as much mileage. Trash talk and gossiping spread much slower, and you probably would stop hanging out with that person much sooner, or mean-spirited people reigned in their ugliness since it was mostly conveyed in-person or over the phone when they actually had to experience the person's reaction in real time. A friend defending another friend, or a gasp or just lack of a response may quiet an ugly thought.
2019: What I've learned with a few more parties under my belt, while my kids love any and all parties, all they really need is to be with friends. The last few years we've kept it simple with a family party and the kids pick either an experience or having some friends over for a sleepover. It's meaningful for them, they have fun, and I don't have to go crazy with prep and planning. WIN!
While on the party subject, let's take a moment with RSVPs
1989: You RSVP via phone, card, or in-person. "Maybe" was not an option. You let the host know so they can plan accordingly, or you stop being invited because you are rude.
2015: IF you RSVP you do it over Evite, Email, Facebook timeline, Facebook private message, call, text. There are so many ways to let someone know yet so few people take the time to RSVP at all!! This is aggravating and just plain rude. I think people wait until the last possible moment to see if anything more appealing comes up. This is rude. or people can't go and don't want to tell you. This is rude, there's no one that can't handle a decline, just decline, the hostess is going to figure out you're not coming when she has to follow up with you, or when she plans on you coming and you don't come. Or there's people that say they are coming and then don't show up. This is rude. With so many ways to get in touch with someone, do whatever you can to let the hostess know you can't make it. There are tons of variables that prevent making every event you are invited to, everyone gets that, but just take the 30 seconds to let the hostess know yea or nay. I feel like the trend of not RSVPing has gotten so bad that it discourages me from wanting to plan anything, even with close friends.
2019: This is still true, and I wish Facebook and Evite would remove the "maybe" option all together. Sigh. Recently, I've taken to inviting a much smaller group and doing so over text message, so I can easily follow up. I don't know if some don't respond to invites because they wait to see who else will come (which is also rude in my opinion) but inviting over text removes variable too!
Extra curricula
1989: After school activities such as Cub Scouts, Soccer, Youth choir, were considered a nice add-on to traditional schooling, a good way to round out the students' skills and pursue interests.
 |
| 2012, 3 year old Hudson in organized soccer already! |
2015: Today, it seems parents try to one-up each other with how busy they are and how many events their child is engaged in. It starts way before school too! 2 year olds can be in swim, dance, or music classes. These activities are costly, time consuming, and typically keep kids up past their bedtime where lack of sleep is a national epidemic among children.
 |
| 2018, 5 year old Sadie loving swim lessons. |
2019: I no-longer feel pressure to have my kids participate in a ton of events, I think full-day school and preschool are enough. Hudson is doing Karate twice a week, and there is sometimes before or afterschool enrichment that Hudson participates in if he wants too. In our previous school there were 3 times where he signed up for an art program that did not get enough participates. Fortunately, his new school a similar program, and it starts on Monday. (Bonus: this means I get an extra hour in my week!) Sadie has actually never done an extra activity with the exception of swim team last summer. I don't feel like she's missing anything, she's already in full-time pre-k which to me is enough structure, rigor, enrichment and socialization for a 5 year old. We parents certainly don't miss something extra on our plate!
Parental Support
1989: Parents would get together and chat, they probably found other people were experiencing some of the same frustrations and struggles. There were specific support groups and books but in general, parents needed to make connections to get support such as by attending these groups or going to the library or book store.
2015: Today, parents are constantly googling and comparing themselves to fellow parents on blogs or Facebook. Naturally everyone only puts their best foot/parenting on Facebook, leaving the searcher feeling worse about what she or he might be struggling with like a defiant toddler, an older bed-wetter, an absentee husband. You may find help by Googling, but generally connections are not made.
2019: Add to this Instagram and YouTube. I still prefer to text and call friends directly, even if they are posting often on these social media sites. They only tell part of the story. I find that those that post the most often about their "perfect" life are often the ones that are struggling the most, and need the most validation and reassurance. I find I need to check myself when I'm seeking attention, when I am chronically checking if I got any "Likes" or comments, why do I need this?! What void am I trying to fill right now?
Screen time
1989: Parents and kids alike were limited to what was on TV that night, or what they recorded on the VHS tape earlier in the day. Your favorite show probably only came on once a day, so after it was over, you got up and did something else. Maybe you rented a movie from the video store but it was generally too expensive to become a daily habit. You had to watch commercials so eventually you probably got up and did something else. There was no black hole that is the World Wide Web, no endless scrolling, no email to check, no smart phone apps. Has that sunk in yet? In the evenings, MAYBE you brought work home, but even that was limited just how much could you do with a Desktop computer without Internet? Just how long could you sit in front of the screen? Just how many exes could you stalk? Exactly none! You might call a friend or family member, you might write a letter, you might read a book or magazine. You might just get the dishes done and get in bed.
2015: Screens everywhere lure us in, hundreds of channels, endless DVR and streaming options, Redbox available anytime if what you're dying to see is not available on Streaming. The internet alone could suck you in for hours especially apps like Facebook, Instagram, or newsites that are all vying for your eye-time. It's almost impossible to not get sucked in. The result, we are more pressed to get our dishes and other chores done, let alone exercise or getting a good night's sleep.
This past week I did parent like it was 1989. Ted was away the entire week, and I was most concerned about my patience with the kids. My goal was to feed the kids, get them in bed, do the dishes and get in bed myself. I got up early to get myself ready before they got up so I'd be calm and cool, and a cup of coffee in, before they got up and I needed to get them fed, and out the door. Let me tell you, it was amazing. I was calm, patient, I didn't stress about what should get done on the internet. I just focused on us, and our little world. Is this what it was like back then? sigh. I know there's no going back, but we can try to slow down.
2019: There is loads of compounding research on how screen time is affecting our children's brains. Loads of research that says it is not good. I absolutely see how they become little fiends for any screen they can get their hands on, and it pains me inside. It pains me when I can't resist, when I start scrolling, when I get frustrated with them because I am trying to do something on a screen, and they are just being normal, healthy children, trying to get their mom's attention. I try hard (almost) every day to both resist the urge myself, and to restrict their access. AND IT IS HARD! Hudson, like his dad, can spend all day on a screen. It is hard because they want it so badly and it is right there an available. It is hard because they can have it and the only thing standing in the way is ME, Mean Mommy. It is hard because Damn it is quiet and calm when they are on screens, and boy do I love quiet. It is hard because it's hard to say no to your kids all.the.time.
There's no going back, but maybe we can take some lessons from the past, and focus on being more present with everyone; friends, kids, spouse, teachers, family, etc. XO
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