I don’t know when, but at some point in early childhood my mom started saying, “Well Monica, Life is not Fair.” This was met when lamenting a minor to major complaint. From let’s say 5-10 years old, I would stomp off, dissatisfied with this cold comfort. From about 10 on, I came to expect it, so I didn’t go to her to complain. I knew what she would say, and I didn’t need to hear it again. This sentiment rang through my head all the way through young adulthood. When I was going through grad school, we were forced to take a hyper critical look at our early childhood. I realized how this phrase, Life is Not Fair, has served me.
An adult telling a child, “Life is not fair” is a bit of a cop out if you ask me. I stormed off because it brought me no comfort or explanation to the injustices I was dealt. Injustices such as, “Sara ate the last cookie” or “Mike was hogging the Nintento ALLLL afternoon.” To an adult of course, these are minor, trivial dramas that are annoying to even have to pay attention to. To a child, that doesn’t have the stress of bills and work, etc., these setbacks are upsetting, and enough to ruin an otherwise good day. So while I didn’t feel embraced, I did develop a thicker skin, and learned I was on my own to handle the setbacks.
As I grew and became more independent, Mom’s Mantra rang through in witnessing some people have more money, some people have better toys, some people have better hair, skin, are faster, seem to get all of the breaks, etc. As a full grown adult, I think of it as the first part of a sentence and build on it. Whether it’s a person or life experience that I think is unfair, I contemplate what I can do about it, or how I’m better off for it. I’ve come to recognize everyone has advantages and disadvantages that are not always visible. We are all onions of many layers, some look great on the outside but are all dried out inside. Sometimes the first layer or two is moldy, but the inside is in great shape and completely worthwhile. Some of us may judge by the outside mold, but mom’s beating me with the “Life is not Fair” stick, taught me to look deeper and give every onion of opportunity a chance to redeem itself.
An adult telling a child, “Life is not fair” is a bit of a cop out if you ask me. I stormed off because it brought me no comfort or explanation to the injustices I was dealt. Injustices such as, “Sara ate the last cookie” or “Mike was hogging the Nintento ALLLL afternoon.” To an adult of course, these are minor, trivial dramas that are annoying to even have to pay attention to. To a child, that doesn’t have the stress of bills and work, etc., these setbacks are upsetting, and enough to ruin an otherwise good day. So while I didn’t feel embraced, I did develop a thicker skin, and learned I was on my own to handle the setbacks.
As I grew and became more independent, Mom’s Mantra rang through in witnessing some people have more money, some people have better toys, some people have better hair, skin, are faster, seem to get all of the breaks, etc. As a full grown adult, I think of it as the first part of a sentence and build on it. Whether it’s a person or life experience that I think is unfair, I contemplate what I can do about it, or how I’m better off for it. I’ve come to recognize everyone has advantages and disadvantages that are not always visible. We are all onions of many layers, some look great on the outside but are all dried out inside. Sometimes the first layer or two is moldy, but the inside is in great shape and completely worthwhile. Some of us may judge by the outside mold, but mom’s beating me with the “Life is not Fair” stick, taught me to look deeper and give every onion of opportunity a chance to redeem itself.
Do you think "Life is not fair" affected you and the choices you made growing up? It's interesting because my mantra with my boys lately (especially Tristan) has been from the Rolling Stones - "You can't always get what you want"! (sound familiar?) I use it mostly as a joke and to get myself to lighten up when he is driving me crazy with his whining (for something), but the boys have started taking it seriously and repeating it to each other!
ReplyDeleteSomeday soon I'll continue the lyric with them.... "...but if you try sometimes, you may find, you get what you need!"
I have a different relationship with this mantra, born from an explanation I received from my mom. I must have started off using that phrase like everyone else does – saying “no fair!” when a situation favored someone else.
ReplyDeleteBut my mom taught me to look at all the situations which favored me. She helped me realize that things could be unfair FOR you as well as unfair AGAINST you. As a child I found comfort in that and would consider all the ways life had made things unfair for me. Like having two parents, a house to live in and enough food to eat. There were many children who, fair or not, didn’t have those things while I did, and I didn’t deserve them any more than those other children. So when
And now, as a parent, I am trying to give my daughter every unfair advantage I can. It’s not fair that she has two parents, a roof over her head and enough food to eat when many don’t. It’s not fair she has parents who read to her every night and who try to teach her things to put her ahead of her classmates. It’s not fair she doesn’t have any brothers or sisters to split our attention from her. It’s not fair that she’s going to have a lot of advantages that other people don’t but, as they say, life isn’t fair.
Beth, Yes I think it affected me, but I think it made me tougher. I think I would have understood the world a little better if it was followed or prefaced with some validation. I won't use it as much as my mom, but I definitely see the value in it! I think it's great you're using it with your boys, and it seems so many parents are moving in the opposite direction of treating their children like they are royalty which has it's own ramifications! Thanks for reading and commenting--what other mantras do you follow?
ReplyDeleteRob, Thank you for sharing your valuable insights on the phrase. It is so much easier to complain than be grateful--and I think it's wonderful you are passing down generational gratitude to your daughter and acknowledging those advantages. Thanks for visiting and participating!
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