COVID - 19 Best of Times, Worst of Times

The Best:

• Walks, bike rides every afternoon and evening. I'm getting more fresh air and exercise than usual! 
• Cooking dinner every night, eating dinner together every night. 
• Family game or movie nights every night. 
• I'm getting to try out being a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) and a homeschooling mom, two labels I didn't think I wanted, but am trying them out anyway. 
• Hours upon hours to get to know my kids. 
• Video chats and texts with friends. 
• Real mail from friends and family. 
• All of the clutter of normal day to day life between us is gone; activities, too many work hours, all the busyness is removed, and you're left with the essentials of life. 

The Worst: 

• EVERYTHING is different, how we grocery shop, wash our hands, clean the house, it's insane how quickly the norm has shifted, wiping down groceries?! Will we ever feel safe again? 

Ready to brave the world of the grocery store!

• The neighbors we love have become piranhas. I hate having to bark at my kids as soon as we're outside; "Six feet!! Stay where I can see you! Stay on your bike! Don't go near that dog!" I HATE THIS! I hate that the sweet kids we've gotten to know over the last year and a half are now piranhas to avoid. One falls down, and we want to go over to help but we're not supposed to, one needs help getting the boomerang out of the tree and we can't get close, we shouldn't even throw a ball back and forth. This has been a big source of stress for me. I want to be outside, I want our kids to be outside. Since becoming parents, we've wanted our kids to have space, to make mistakes, to find their way, to work out social interactions independently, to have free play, and now this?! Now we all have to be hyper vigilant helicopter parents.  Yesterday some of the kids were in our yard, and now I can't sleep! It just takes a split second, even if we're right there, for the infection to spread. Half the time I want to totally shut us in, the other half I want to just say ef it, we're probably going to get it no matter what, let's let the kids play and be free. A few weeks ago we decided we would not let the kids go outside unless we could give them our full attention, but even that doesn't always cut it. 
• There's no transition time, there's no time alone, you're always on. I admit I had it really good right before this happened! I had hours to myself every day, and I came to realize that I loved that! I love quiet! I love time to think! I did not mind driving around to my appointments, sometimes I even had the radio off and just thought and processed. I would think. about the appointment I just had, the one coming up, I would think about what I needed to do for the kids, for work, for the house, for the next few meals, etc. A mom's brain is always going, always multitasking. I don't have this time anymore. I don't have time to process, quiet time, time where no one is going to barge in making an annoying request that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. 

Just me, in the back seat of the car, when they can't keep their hands off each other, this is better than yelling, but oye! 

• We have to be their everything. We have to be the kids' teachers, their friends, their playmates, we're the only ones filling their tanks, we're the only ones correcting, we're the only ones teaching. It's exhausting. Hudson really seems perfectly content, I keep checking in, seeing if he wants to video chat with anyone, etc, and he says no. He's done it a few times, and it seems like he could take it or leave it. Sadie on the other hand, wants, wants, wants. She leans into me, just to make SURE I know she's right there and needs me. I adore this child and can't imagine life with out her, but good grief she exhausts me, and my need for SPACE. She used to love doing school work, and was the most eager student imaginable, now, many days it's a full melt down, even when I let her pick the activity, even when her idol big brother is working diligently. I think she wants me to be her Mommy, not her teacher. I try to pay attention and cherish when she's playing in her room for hours by herself, when she DOES work without a fuss. These things just might not feel often enough! 

Ah Dessert Night! 

• Holy Hell the Housework! It doesn't seem to affect anyone else, but good grief I get stressed when the house is a mess, and all four of us home for every meal, every toilet use, every moment of play, makes for a lot of work! I'm cooking every night which equals more dishes. I had no idea how much food we really consume until this started. The kids used to buy lunch 2x a week, Ted would usually eat out 2-3 times a week for lunch, but now we're all here, all of the time. The kids appear to eat the same amount as two adults as far as I can tell. They both seem healthier and stronger than ever, growing right before my eyes but wow it's a lot of dishes. For about the past 6 months or so we had a housekeeper that came twice a month for bathrooms and the kitchen, I need her more than ever! Cleaning directives always come from me, so that gets exhausting too, there's the cleaning and then there's the trying to get other's help with the cleaning. We have dessert every other night (a much anticipated event!) and I think before we have dessert after dinner, we're each going to spend 15-20 minutes cleaning a room, we'll see how long this lasts but I'm determined to not be the only one cleaning up around here. Oh and to make matters even more vital, cleaning and sanitation is more important than ever! So it's the stress of the house being so much more dirty, amplified by the fact that we need to be doing more to sanitize BECAUSE OUR LIVES DEPEND ON IT! It's no wonder I can't sleep! 

I'm so thankful we can still get outside and be in nature. 

• Schoolwork! I'm a teacher by training and profession and still find this very annoying. I'm trying to do my own work, I'm trying to maintain the house we're all occupying, I'm trying to monitor everyone's health, wellness and sanity and now this?! I struggle with wanting to just focus on a few key skills for each child, and feeling pressure by the weekly packet materials. I want the guidance, but I don't. I don't want to breathe down their necks to complete work that's not graded and that we don't turn it. On the one hand I feel like "What's the point?!" On the other hand I feel like I HAVE to do all this so they don't turn into lazy jerks over the next 5 months. I have to do this so they don't fall so far behind. Our dining room is now Grand Central Station for work and I still feel like I'm failing at this. I try to establish routines, expectations, but this with everything else, I want a BREAK! Ted's home but working, and I finally suggested one night a week he can work with the kids, maybe on the weekends he can sit down with them, instead of always asking how it's going, what are they learning and what we got done. On my birthday I said I was going to the store in the morning, and Ted tried to do some school work with the kids while I was out for an hour. He told me about three times that day how Sadie wouldn't do anything for him, I wanted to scream "NO S(*& Sherlock! This is why I'm so stressed, and loose my cool!" 

This makes it look like there are more "Worst" than "Best" on this list. I don't think that's true, but I also am not thrilled we're not even half way through this. I'm trying to stay positive, see the silver linings, bright sides, etc, but that doesn't mean it's not hard at times. That doesn't mean that admitting it's hard or no fun at times is not valid. On to week 6, a little wiser.