This is a dicey post, I can only post for myself because there is a vast range of how women handle this. Some of my closest friends stayed very private in their struggles and I had no idea they were going through anything. Other friends will talk willingly and openly to anyone that will listen. I've been somewhere in between. The friends that have shared their experiences with me have been absolutely invaluable. There are a few that I gave the play by play and they asked on the days they knew I had appointments. At the same time though, most of my family did not know any details, and I just didn't want to talk about it with them. I guess I feel more vulnerable to people that have not experienced it because I'm not strong enough to hear well meaning but misguided comments like "You just need to take a vacation" or "It will happen when it's meant to" or any other advice really. I have a few close friends that haven't experienced this, yet they were so supportive, and asked and inquired because they wanted to learn and they wanted to know.
Two years is a long time to go through something that very few people talk about. I hope this list helps gain some perspective on an issue I hope none of my readers have to endure. If you have anything to add, please do so in comments or you can email me and I'll post them anonymously.
Do be positive and encouraging. It's so easy to be discouraged in this process, the more people being positive the better for the women's overall health.
Don't ask how much it costs, well unless you might be going through it too, otherwise it's just plain painful and that just reminds the person how extra crappy it is that this did not happen naturally for them. I will post about that later though!
Do offer to help financially if you can. Even if the help is not accepted, the offer is appreciated.
Don't abandon. Some friends report one of the hardest part of this whole experience is knowing that friends are scared to say the wrong thing, or feel bad when they get pregnant so they just avoid seeing the person. Hopefully this list will foster less abandonment and more "that sucks" conversations over wine!
Do say, "yeah that sucks." I think this phrase can be used in so many situations, a lot of times people need a little sympathy to feel validated and then move forward. It does suck, let the person draw their own, "this is good because...." statement, otherwise it might feel like you're belittling their suffering.
Don't say "maybe you just need a vacation," "it will happen when the timing is right" "maybe it wasn't meant to be," "it will happen when you least expect it" "it will happen when you stop trying." "It's all in God's plan" or any similar sentiment. When you have been trying for awhile these statements are just insulting, it's not always this simple.
Do tread lightly when sharing other people's pregnancies. If it's on Facebook, you probably don't need to bring it up, at the same time don't attempt to hide your own pregnancy, the person would probably rather hear personally before the Facebook announcement is made.
Don't say how hard it would be with 1, 2, 3, etc., kids. When someone is longing for a child, whether it be your first or your 3rd, I promise they have thought of the costs, challenges, etc.
Do ask, "What does the doctor say?" My OB told me to get help a full year before I did, the more people that asked what the doctor said, the more I was reminded maybe I should see a doctor. Now that we were successful after 1 month with help, I am even more of an advocate for getting professional help! As a friend said, "Every passing month takes a toll on your sanity."
Don't complain about your pregnancy! Unless your friend is really asking how are you doing, specific to the pregnancy, spare her the details of your nausea, constipation, sore boobs etc.,yes it's all consuming, but when a friend is trying to conceive they would welcome retching with open arms. You can share you're experiences when they are pregnant too!
I learned so much about myself and the people around me through experiencing infertility, but that's not to say I'd deny it was hard and at times heart retching. Even with lots of support it can be so isolating as it really is your own journey. I hope this list helps you support the ones you love.
Related Posts:
Part I: Our Infertility Journey
Part II: 2013
It takes two to Tango
What to say to someone trying to conceive
Surviving Morning Sickness
Pregnancy Journal: Weeks 13-19
Two years is a long time to go through something that very few people talk about. I hope this list helps gain some perspective on an issue I hope none of my readers have to endure. If you have anything to add, please do so in comments or you can email me and I'll post them anonymously.
Do be positive and encouraging. It's so easy to be discouraged in this process, the more people being positive the better for the women's overall health.
Don't ask how much it costs, well unless you might be going through it too, otherwise it's just plain painful and that just reminds the person how extra crappy it is that this did not happen naturally for them. I will post about that later though!
Do offer to help financially if you can. Even if the help is not accepted, the offer is appreciated.
Don't abandon. Some friends report one of the hardest part of this whole experience is knowing that friends are scared to say the wrong thing, or feel bad when they get pregnant so they just avoid seeing the person. Hopefully this list will foster less abandonment and more "that sucks" conversations over wine!
Don't say "maybe you just need a vacation," "it will happen when the timing is right" "maybe it wasn't meant to be," "it will happen when you least expect it" "it will happen when you stop trying." "It's all in God's plan" or any similar sentiment. When you have been trying for awhile these statements are just insulting, it's not always this simple.
Do ask how it's going, or if if their are any updates. Maybe not everyday, but at least every month or two if you're not that close to the person, if the person doesn't want to talk about it, they'll let you know. If they do want to talk about it just keep this list in mind and provide empathy!
Don't hesitate to send the person a simple "thinking of you" card, text, email, etc. or pick me up gifts if you feel so inclined. This way you don't have to worry about saying the wrong thing, but you can still show support.
Don't say how hard it would be with 1, 2, 3, etc., kids. When someone is longing for a child, whether it be your first or your 3rd, I promise they have thought of the costs, challenges, etc.
Do ask, "What does the doctor say?" My OB told me to get help a full year before I did, the more people that asked what the doctor said, the more I was reminded maybe I should see a doctor. Now that we were successful after 1 month with help, I am even more of an advocate for getting professional help! As a friend said, "Every passing month takes a toll on your sanity."
Don't complain about your pregnancy! Unless your friend is really asking how are you doing, specific to the pregnancy, spare her the details of your nausea, constipation, sore boobs etc.,yes it's all consuming, but when a friend is trying to conceive they would welcome retching with open arms. You can share you're experiences when they are pregnant too!
I learned so much about myself and the people around me through experiencing infertility, but that's not to say I'd deny it was hard and at times heart retching. Even with lots of support it can be so isolating as it really is your own journey. I hope this list helps you support the ones you love.
Related Posts:
Part I: Our Infertility Journey
Part II: 2013
It takes two to Tango
What to say to someone trying to conceive
Surviving Morning Sickness
Pregnancy Journal: Weeks 13-19
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