You may have been wondering what I've been up to. I finally have the time AND energy to post, and feel ready. I'm not sharing all of this so you know me better personally, my intent is to share one person's (my) experience with infertility. I don't claim, nor did I attempt, to capture every woman's experience. It is so incredibly personal that I didn't even try.
I wrote the bulk of the post over four months ago. I wanted to write while the feelings were raw, real and present.
Part I: 2011-2012
I could spend a whole post on the first time around, but the short of it is, we got pregnant in the first cycle and had no idea how lucky we were. We had friends that struggled, and friends that had miscarriages, but until it affects you, it's hard to really understand. which is a good thing, who would wan to really know the pain?! I actually thought saying "We weren't even really trying!" would soften the blow...that's just how ignorant I was. I had enough sense to feel bad for others but didn't have a clue how to handle it. Now I do.
We'd been trying to have a second child since January 2011. I wanted to start even earlier than that, but Ted wasn't ready. Now, here we are two YEARS later. Struggling to get pregnant is like a fog that penetrates everything. Seeing what you can't have can be everywhere you turn. For me, Facebook was the only thing that upset me. I would be innocently, absentmindedly scrolling through my News Feed and BAM! there's a sonogram out of nowhere, BAM! there's the friend that just had a baby THREE MONTHS AGO and is pregnant again, or the friends that have had TWO more kids, and their first was born after Hudson, or all of the wonderful happy people with TWO or more kids. I try to channel my Grandma Millie's peace and not feel jealous or angry, but it only goes so far.
I never minded people having one kid, everyone should have one kid but what hit me in the chest is seeing friends have their two and three kids, and, in my eyes, getting everything they want. (Of course a lot can be said about Facebook, and how people just put the good stuff, etc., and it took a long time for me to accept and recognize that.) With time, the heartache grew as I wanted so badly to give Hudson a sibling. He started talking about babies, cooing at his newborn cousin, and cuddling his Care Bears in such a way that I just melt. Why can't Ted have this, why can't Hudson, why can't I?
For so long I took this personally, not understanding.We're healthy, we are so genuinely in love, we can afford a baby, we have love, and time, and patience, why oh why is this not working? In my job, I go in and out of about 5 homes a day. I would see families that live in filth, have more babies than they can afford or care for, HOW THE HELL ARE THESE WOMEN FERTILE? After a particularly bad day, Ted sat down with me and said, "Things don't happen like they are supposed to, no it's not fair, but nothing is, the world doesn't work with logic." (This is not exactly what he said, but whatever it was, the message sunk in.)
The first 9 months or so we were wild and free and full of hope. Around month 9 I started reading about it, and taking ovulation tests. (Little pee sticks that tell you if you're within the 48 hours of ovulation.) Most women ovulate 14 days after the first day of their period. I took 40 of these tests in a row with no positive read. What's annoying here, is they are so fickle; you can't drink too much the night before (what's 'too much?'), you can't pee for 6 hours before the test, you can't have too much or too little pee on the stick. It felt impossible to know if you were getting an accurate reading, although supposedly they are 99+% accurate.
Part of the problem, well really the whole problem here, is that I don't have regular, or any, periods on my own. This whole time I was clinging to something a doctor said in 2008 when I had my first sonogram, he said, "well you must have ovulated without knowing it." when comparing the embryo size to my last period. For many months I figured, "Well maybe I'm ovulating, even though I'm not getting real, full periods."
I contacted my OB and she started me on Clomid for 6 cycles. Those 6 cycles took almost a year to use due to some fainting spells, and LONG cycles. I needed to take a second drug, Provera, to bring on ovulation. Turns out I was not clear on how I should be timing in the drugs, so my cycles were about 2 months rather than one. For 4 of those cycles I got positive ovulation results, the other two, I wasn't sure if I started testing too late or what was wrong.
In October 2012 we decided to get some help, we could at least get the diagnostic tests to know what we were up against. It took a month to get an appointment. We started treatment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in December 2012.
The doctor didn't think I needed any tests, he said we can start treatment as soon as possible since we didn't need to wait for a time in the cycle. Ted's swimmers was tested for morphology, mobility, and motility and everything with him is fine. (Again mixed emotion, great nothing's wrong with him, oh wait, that means this really is all my fault!)
I wrote the bulk of the post over four months ago. I wanted to write while the feelings were raw, real and present.
Part I: 2011-2012
I could spend a whole post on the first time around, but the short of it is, we got pregnant in the first cycle and had no idea how lucky we were. We had friends that struggled, and friends that had miscarriages, but until it affects you, it's hard to really understand. which is a good thing, who would wan to really know the pain?! I actually thought saying "We weren't even really trying!" would soften the blow...that's just how ignorant I was. I had enough sense to feel bad for others but didn't have a clue how to handle it. Now I do.
We'd been trying to have a second child since January 2011. I wanted to start even earlier than that, but Ted wasn't ready. Now, here we are two YEARS later. Struggling to get pregnant is like a fog that penetrates everything. Seeing what you can't have can be everywhere you turn. For me, Facebook was the only thing that upset me. I would be innocently, absentmindedly scrolling through my News Feed and BAM! there's a sonogram out of nowhere, BAM! there's the friend that just had a baby THREE MONTHS AGO and is pregnant again, or the friends that have had TWO more kids, and their first was born after Hudson, or all of the wonderful happy people with TWO or more kids. I try to channel my Grandma Millie's peace and not feel jealous or angry, but it only goes so far.
I never minded people having one kid, everyone should have one kid but what hit me in the chest is seeing friends have their two and three kids, and, in my eyes, getting everything they want. (Of course a lot can be said about Facebook, and how people just put the good stuff, etc., and it took a long time for me to accept and recognize that.) With time, the heartache grew as I wanted so badly to give Hudson a sibling. He started talking about babies, cooing at his newborn cousin, and cuddling his Care Bears in such a way that I just melt. Why can't Ted have this, why can't Hudson, why can't I?
For so long I took this personally, not understanding.We're healthy, we are so genuinely in love, we can afford a baby, we have love, and time, and patience, why oh why is this not working? In my job, I go in and out of about 5 homes a day. I would see families that live in filth, have more babies than they can afford or care for, HOW THE HELL ARE THESE WOMEN FERTILE? After a particularly bad day, Ted sat down with me and said, "Things don't happen like they are supposed to, no it's not fair, but nothing is, the world doesn't work with logic." (This is not exactly what he said, but whatever it was, the message sunk in.)
The first 9 months or so we were wild and free and full of hope. Around month 9 I started reading about it, and taking ovulation tests. (Little pee sticks that tell you if you're within the 48 hours of ovulation.) Most women ovulate 14 days after the first day of their period. I took 40 of these tests in a row with no positive read. What's annoying here, is they are so fickle; you can't drink too much the night before (what's 'too much?'), you can't pee for 6 hours before the test, you can't have too much or too little pee on the stick. It felt impossible to know if you were getting an accurate reading, although supposedly they are 99+% accurate.
Part of the problem, well really the whole problem here, is that I don't have regular, or any, periods on my own. This whole time I was clinging to something a doctor said in 2008 when I had my first sonogram, he said, "well you must have ovulated without knowing it." when comparing the embryo size to my last period. For many months I figured, "Well maybe I'm ovulating, even though I'm not getting real, full periods."
I contacted my OB and she started me on Clomid for 6 cycles. Those 6 cycles took almost a year to use due to some fainting spells, and LONG cycles. I needed to take a second drug, Provera, to bring on ovulation. Turns out I was not clear on how I should be timing in the drugs, so my cycles were about 2 months rather than one. For 4 of those cycles I got positive ovulation results, the other two, I wasn't sure if I started testing too late or what was wrong.
In October 2012 we decided to get some help, we could at least get the diagnostic tests to know what we were up against. It took a month to get an appointment. We started treatment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) in December 2012.
November 2012
Prior to our "meet and greet" with the RE, I called my health insurance to find out what is covered, and not covered as far as infertility goes. I later learned that "covered" can mean counts towards the deductible, whereas I thought covered meant FREE! (Probably better I didn't know the meet and greet would cost $250!) I felt great at the appointment, so relieved to finally turn this whole mess over to someone else. From this point on, I felt positive and hopeful, an outlook I was hesitant to take on when I was trying to do it all myself. Dr. T. was straightforward and fairly businesslike. He received my file from my OB and went straight into explaining the reproductive tract and said we'd be a simple fix. He said plainly, "I think those four positives you got (on the ovulation tests) were false positives and you didn't have a chance of getting pregnant for those two years." Wow. I received that statement with mixed emotions; we basically threw away two years of time, but on the other hand, if I didn't have a chance of getting pregnant, and he's saying we'll be an easy fix, than that's kind of encouraging right?! We're not like other couples where it's unknown and where everything seems to be "normal." The doctor didn't think I needed any tests, he said we can start treatment as soon as possible since we didn't need to wait for a time in the cycle. Ted's swimmers was tested for morphology, mobility, and motility and everything with him is fine. (Again mixed emotion, great nothing's wrong with him, oh wait, that means this really is all my fault!)
Treatment December 2012
Here's the nitty gritty of what we endured, of course every woman's experience varies greatly depending on their particular needs.
Basically my plan would include self administered FSH shots (Follicle-Stimulating Hormone), and visits to the RE for a sonogram, with visits the same day to the hospital for a blood draw. The sonogram and blood work would be used together to determine how my body was responding to the drug, if the dosage needed adjusting, and when the RE predicts I will ovulate.
I had FSH shots each day from December 4-22. I went in for checks about every 5 days. On December 22, he predicted I'd ovulate December 25 (That's right, Christmas day!). He told me when to have sex, and that was that! I gave myself an HcG shot on 12/23 and at our appointment on 12/28 they gave me another. (I wasn't clear nor did I ask what this was for, I just figured it would better my chances!) After that I was sent home and told to wait til 1/11 to take a Home Pregnancy Test. Again I asked silly questions, like, "Should I eat anything special, do anything differently?...." Getting pregnant was a major focus of my mental energy, to just WAIT two weeks and not do anything seemed crazy and impossible!While December was busy, with at least six of these appointments getting blood work, working full time, and getting ready for Christmas, I was feeling great! It felt good to have someone else in control, and hopeful at that. The staff at the RE's office were friendly, and I slowly learned the doctor's real schedule which made for less waiting time! At first the doctor's no nonsense personality irked me, he would come in and get right to work, which in my case was a trans-vaginal ultrasound. There was no chit-chat beyond, "How's it going?" With time though, I appreciated this, I would rather him know what he's doing, than be a chatter, and no chatting saved everyone's time. He was focused, and I appreciated that.
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